just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.