Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

😂

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.