Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

mom gave me mine for free

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.