Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

[adds another nod to the conversation]

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood