just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
my first dose meeting my second
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”