Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

The best plant holders?

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.