Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
#parenting
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.