Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

I would like even faster food.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁