Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard