Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Everyone’s family

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Old old old old old west

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.