Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
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dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato