Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

channeling her this year

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Love this one 😂🧟

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face