Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.