just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
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I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.