Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.