Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not