Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle