Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out