just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.