Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Everyone’s family
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids