Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

Personal question. #JustSaying

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir