Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why? Just why? 😂

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.