Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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Like sleeping!
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Do not levitate over flowers
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.