Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.