Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

I love twitter

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”