Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Human are so complicated

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send