Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping