Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.