Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

ㅤ

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.