Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.