Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.