Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.