Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news