Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
smh
