Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loses house key, starts a new life]

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.