Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.