Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Stick it to the man

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Why do meteors always land in craters?