Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Love is always patient and kind.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
What personal space?
My dog
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”