Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
the icebreaker
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
they finally got him. they got macavity
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
