Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Am I having a stroke?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
