Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”