Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
You Might Also Like
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.