Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

🤣

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.