Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”