Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
You Might Also Like
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
im gay on my mothers side
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
The point of your 20s
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
This is a genius move
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light