Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
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Me: Same.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.