Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
R.I.P.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU