Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”