Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Previously On Persistence 😎
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
😂💯
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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