Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.