Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.