just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
You Might Also Like
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*