just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?