just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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I need better friends
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Glasses
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run