just got my engagement photos
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me :
All Day At Night
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?