just got my engagement photos
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t