just got my engagement photos
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
grandparents are too precious for this world
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries