Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.