Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

This is I, Robot all over again

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it