Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash