Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?