Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
From Facebook just now…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.