Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Yeah. This was me today.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
#parenting
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
They got a point!
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to