Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.