Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
i just found this in my phone
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Velcrow
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.