Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.