Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Ha.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills