What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Brb my Sims are getting married
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.