Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You Might Also Like
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.