Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.