Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

😤😤

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”