Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.