Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
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My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol