Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
getting corrected
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart