Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Beware of the dog..
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.