Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Another day, another…goddammit

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?