Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

ㅤ

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.