Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Gross if literal…Liverpool