Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

The options really are this bad

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass