just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Duck typos.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
If you know, you know
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.