Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Always a metermaid never a meter

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened