Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

🥶🥶🐶🐶

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.