Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

looks legit

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die