Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

🤯🤯🤯

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Thinking outside the box.. 😅