just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…