Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby